When Obedience Hurts: Grieving What God Asked Me to Release

So much of Scripture points us ahead and to the future. We are warned and instructed not to look back, and I fully understand and embrace that.

However, are we permitted to grieve what was lost?

Scripture makes room for both realities:

“For everything there is a season… a time to weep… a time to mourn.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 ESV)

Obedience is rewarded, and I can promise you from firsthand experience that the reward is very real. But I would be lying if I didn’t say it can hurt to be obedient.

It was painful to let go of what God no longer wanted me to hold onto. It was imperative for me to do so in order to move into the complete new wineskin I am now standing in, and it’s wonderful and exciting here. But as I sit here writing this today, I feel the pull to share the vulnerable, the raw, and the real side of “letting go and letting God.”

Looking back now, I can see that God was doing exactly what He promised through the prophet Isaiah:

“Behold, I am doing a new thing… I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:19 ESV)

I wasn’t sure when I would share this testimony. It’s been tugging at my spirit for a few weeks, so I think I am finally released to talk about my life over the last year.

A year ago in June, I was called to lay everything down.

When I say everything, I literally mean it: my church family, my friends, my role as a stay at home mom, my desired career of speaking and selling my book, my idea of what my future was going to look like, and, most of all, I was asked to lay myself down.

I have been in a deep season of dying to my flesh. I’ve been faced with deep disappointment, grief, anger, and sadness. This process has been one of the most humbling yet, and if you know me, that’s saying a lot, because I have been through some crazy humbling experiences.

Jesus Himself described discipleship in these terms:

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23 ESV)

If you don’t know me, then I suggest going to read my book or listen to my story on my podcast Arise my Love.

To fully understand what God was asking me to release, I need to take you back to the season when it seemed like everything was finally falling into place.

In November 2024, I self published a memoir. I was starting to see my speaking career take off and was getting lots of invitations to speak and share what the Lord has done in my life. I had all of my "spiritual family" backing me up and supporting me. They even threw me a surprise dinner to celebrate this huge breakthrough moment!

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I felt so overwhelmed by the love of my sisters in Christ, and I experienced healing through their beautiful act of kindness. I will sincerely hold this night close to my heart forever.

Praying with God and leaning on my assistant in early 2025, I decided to start looking for media opportunities to share about my testimony and book. After many emails sent out, I submitted for an opportunity for the 700 Club to share my testimony through their platform, and to my utter surprise, I was selected to move through their interview process. This was a five month endeavor where I had to share my story over and over with new people. It all paid off, because their producers loved it and selected me to be featured on their testimony segment. We had it scheduled for them to fly out and cover my story later in the year in 2025. It was quite the experience, but like many of these stories, I want to share it in it's own separate blog. Nonetheless, it was fun and taught me a lot about myself and others.

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During that time, my husband and I were also asked to step up and become leaders within our church. I was building out their media team, and my husband was leading their security team. We both felt as though we were very aligned with this calling.

Although, if I’m being completely transparent, it felt like a huge honor to be trusted with an important role within the church. With that, I had so much vision and so many ideas of where these opportunities were going to take me.

I was dreaming with Jesus often and even receiving countless prophetic words that were aligned with the vision I had. I was excited that everything seemed to be falling into place nicely.

So back to the story, last February, February 2025, my church invited the women’s ministry to attend a ladies’ night at another nearby church. We had been there many times in the past, and all of those times were equally powerful and impactful.

Each time, I was invigorated and filled with excitement to carry what I had received back to my home church.

But this time felt different.

It was like God was already preparing my heart for what was to come, but my spirit hadn’t caught the vision yet.

I invited my mom and my daughter to attend with me. In my mind, I was trying to help my mom get connected to a church home. I deeply desired that for her! Truly, I did not have any other agenda or thought in mind that evening.

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We all had an amazing time, per usual, but there was just something different in the atmosphere. Now, reflecting back, I totally understand what I was picking up on or discerning.

That night and in the days following, my mom decided to start attending Trinity, and my daughter asked if she could go with her.

In the beginning, it seemed very sweet, and I loved that they were bonding and going to church together. After several weeks of that setup on Sundays, I started realizing how much I really didn’t like the idea of our family being separated while going to church.

In my mind, I continued to think it was temporary and that my daughter would eventually desire to come back to our current church.

Frankly, my life finally felt like everything was falling into place. I felt as though every missing puzzle piece had locked into place and life was going to hit coast for a season. Again, if you know me and my story, that was going to be a nice change of pace.

However, warefare is always happening. In the valley and on the mountain tops, the enemy is always prowling like a lion seeking to devour.

April 14, 2025 will forever be a date that marked me. I want to save the fullness of this story for another time, but I have to share just to give context for what's to come. On the afternoon of that day, I received news that my dad had been arrested for the solicitation of prostitution during a sting operation meant for demand disruption.

His face was plastered all over the Lubbock news for days. A cop of 40+ years who dedicated his life (quite literally) had been duped by his very own.

I felt betrayed, disgusted, humiliated, and mostly enraged. I felt like my entire upbringing had been a façade, but in all honesty, it all made so much sense. I know that our parent's shortcomings and addictions can trickle down the bloodline, and so can the demonic realm that is attached to it. I could finally make sense of the "why" behind what all I went through.

Again, if you are familiar with me and my story, you will know how deeply hurtful this news was. It was like the enemy knew what button to press to try to get me to backslide and move off track.

By the grace of God, I had very pivotal people in my life who were able to help me process what was going on and quickly heal from the potential damage this situation was trying to cause. I was able to tear down ancient strongholds over my life that had come through a long line of generational curses!

I truly know that God’s hand was on me during that season, because the old version of me would’ve looked very different.

Even in that deeply painful moment, the Lord remained close:

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18 ESV)

The temptations were very real, and there were a few times I began to take the bait. Though, the Spirit of God within me was much stronger, and I quickly repented and moved back into my place of authority over the enemy.

Again, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still trying to process everything that was brought to the surface because of this happening. But I definitely know that the fruits of the Spirit are helping me face it head on in a mature way.

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control.” (Galatians 5:22, 23 ESV)

For that, I am extremely grateful!

Even as I was processing all of this, the quiet invitation God had extended through my children continued.

Four months went by.

We were already in June, and my daughter was still very much thriving at Trinity. She was making connections and growing close to the youth group.

She let me know there was a children’s camp coming up and that she wanted to be a junior leader and have our son attend. My husband and I agreed to this since it sounded like such a wonderful idea, and they definitely have the best events and camps around the DFW area!

A few days into their attendance at the summer camp, our son began to express his desire to start going to church at Trinity.

This completely tore the veil off of my eyes so I could see what God was trying to do.

Clearly, this was a very evident invitation to come into something new.

But like so many invitations from God, I was being asked to obey before I could see where the path would lead.

“By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out… not knowing where he was going.”(Hebrews 11:8 ESV)

You can only imagine how torn I felt between my ideas of what I thought my future was supposed to look like and what reality was looking like directly in front of me.

I just couldn’t imagine going through everything I was dealing with at that time while trying to transition into a completely new space with new people who had no idea who I was.

I began to really lean into this, pray about it, and talk to trusted mentors in my life. I pretty much already had the confirmation that God was truly in this, and I began to pray into what this transition was going to look like.

I was learning in real time what it meant to trust God beyond what I could understand:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5 ESV)

I prayed for God to make it very clear and evident to me when the right time would be, because I am hardheaded and need the obvious to slap me over the head a few times before I get it.

Two things happened.

My daughter tried out and was accepted onto the worship team, and my spiritual mother shared that she had a dream back in April, when all of that stuff went down with my dad, that my family and I were at Trinity, surrounded by people who loved us.

She didn’t know when to share that with me, but when I told her what I was feeling, she knew I needed the confirmation.

I’ll say, I have experienced many times where I’ve asked God for clear and obvious signs, and He quickly delivered.

Don’t be afraid to ask!

The reason my daughter making the worship team was an evident sign was because I saw prophetically years prior how she was anointed for leading people in worship. I spoke it over her many times, but she swore she would “never” be on a worship team.

It was a true miracle!

Now, I was faced with how we were going to make the jump.

I began to have this discussion with my husband, and he was fully in agreement, as he never truly felt plugged in or connected at the church we were at.

It seemed like, after all was said and done, that church was truly for me and my healing, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Once I had full confirmation that this was happening, I decided to just pull the Band Aid off and make it quick so I didn’t have much time to think about anything in the moment.

I’ll admit, I don’t think I did it the “right way,” and I did have some guilt that tried to follow me afterward. But nonetheless, I know I was being obedient to the Lord!

I also realize now just how much I depended on those people to help me cope and heal versus depending on the Lord Himself.

I know now that He had to yank me out in order for me to get to a place where I was fully dependent on Him, in an environment that catered to a life lived fully surrendered to His will.

Let me be the first to say: it ain’t easy.

I am a person who was created to be in community, to lead others, to serve others, and to be connected to my spiritual family. It is the environment where I thrive.

But this entire last year, until very recently, I’ve felt very isolated and physically alone.

Again, this was a strategic move to pivot me into the new. I had zero gauge for how to be and operate in what I am now stewarding.

But can I testify that even in the desert, the Lord will provide?

When His promise says He is our Jehovah Jireh, He means it.

“The LORD will provide.” (Genesis 22:14 ESV)

Boy, when we made the jump, everything changed!

The warfare intensified, as expected, but the blessings we are still experiencing today are more than we could have ever asked, thought, or imagined at the beginning of 2025.

He truly is the One who is:

“Able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think.” (Ephesians 3:20 ESV)

There is so much more testimony to come, and I know that with every fiber of my being. But I want to finally release the testimonies of what God has done thus far with our yes.

Since attending Trinity Church, I have received over six miracles of physical healing. I am awaiting for a couple of these to be medically verified before releasing the entire testimony.

Our son received one physical healing.

Our daughter’s mental health has drastically improved, she has grown spiritually abundant, and she has made her forever friends.

Our marriage is healing and finally on a strong foundation.

I was moved into a career that only God could make happen where I am literally a part of helping law enforcement with the same operations my dad was arrested in (no wonder the enemy came after me in that way), and on top of that my salary has allowed our family to work on becoming debt free. We should be close by the end of this year! Praise God!

My husband is now in his dream career doing full-time graphic design, where his schedule allows him to be present with our family. I can't wait to share this full testimony!

I’ve got to witness my mother and my husband get baptized at Trinity and receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit.

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We’ve been grafted into a new family that is leading us into deeper revelations of identity and intimacy with King Jesus.

We are learning how to steward what God has given us and growing in our capacity for His glory.

This is just the beginning of an incredible journey, and I am so looking forward to what is in store!

In my new position with Freed People, I am getting the opportunity to be mentored and spiritually fathered by my boss.

In a season where I felt so fatherless and abandoned, God made a way for me to experience what it feels like to have a spiritual father who cares deeply about teaching me my true identity in Christ.

In this season, Psalm 27 has taken on an entirely new meaning:

“My father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.” (Psalm 27:10 ESV)

It has opened a way for me to settle into my confidence as a daughter to the Most High King.

I can’t express with words how deeply blessed I am in this season. It’s overwhelming when I meditate on it, and it definitely moves me to tears each time I do.

God has pulled me out of complete darkness and brought me into His marvelous glory!

He has quite literally fulfilled the words of 1 Peter in my life, calling me:

“Out of darkness into his marvelous light.” (1 Peter 2:9 ESV)

Obedience isn’t about comfort.

I would even say that obedience is NEVER convenient.

It forces us to face every root of fear in our lives. It invites us to step out of the safe boat and onto the raging sea.

When Jesus called Peter out of the boat, Scripture says:

“He said, ‘Come.’ So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus.”(Matthew 14:29 ESV)

But what I can say with all the certainty in my heart is that there will be blessings and promises on the other side!

And yes, I believe we are permitted to grieve what was lost.

Grief does not mean we regret our obedience. It simply means that what we released mattered to us. We can honor what was, mourn what had to end, and still walk confidently into the new thing God is doing.

Sometimes, obedience looks like celebrating what is ahead while tears are still falling over what we had to leave behind.

Both can be true.

There is a time to mourn and a time to dance. There is a time to release what was and a time to receive what God is bringing forth.

And even when obedience hurts, He is still worthy of our yes.

But this is not the end of the testimony. In many ways, it is only the doorway.

I have not yet told you about the prayers God answered in ways I could never have orchestrated, the healings that began to unfold, the prophetic words that suddenly made sense, or what happened when I stepped into an assignment I never saw coming.

Some of those stories are still being lived. Others are finally ready to be told.

In my next blog, I am going to begin unpacking one of the moments that made me realize our yes had opened the door to far more than a church transition. It had changed the trajectory of our entire family.

Because what happened next is a story I never could have written for myself.

Continue the Journey With Me

If this testimony encouraged you, I would love for you to continue walking with me as I share more of what God has done in my life.

You can watch my podcast on YouTube, where I share honest conversations about faith, healing, identity, obedience, and learning to walk closely with Jesus.

You can also find my book and companion journal on Amazon. They were created to help others move through their own healing journeys, confront the places that have kept them bound, and discover the freedom and identity available through Christ.

For a moment of worship and reflection, listen to my song, “Draw Near,” by Rose Thorne, available on all major streaming platforms.

Thank you for taking the time to read my first blog. My prayer is that my story reminds you that God is present in every season, even when obedience is painful, the path is unclear, and letting go feels impossible.

Keep drawing near to Him. He is faithful to meet you there.